Tommy: INFORMATION OFFICER'S LOG.
LAST TIME ON 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN...
DICK WAS UPSET
WHEN MARY DECIDED TO GO TO BORNEO FOR A YEAR.
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BORNEO?
HE LATER HAD A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE
ABOUT TELLING MARY THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING AN ALIEN.
AND HAVING NEVER DREAMT BEFORE,
DICK THOUGHT HE WAS LOSING HIS MIND.
MARY!
TO CALM HIM DOWN,
A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED TRANQUILIZERS.
DICK QUICKLY BECAME ADDICTED
AND LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO,
WE TRIED TO CONTACT THE BIG GIANT HEAD
FOR PERMISSION TO RETURN TO THE HOME PLANET FOR MAINTENANCE.
SALLY ALSO DREAMT FOR THE FIRST TIME
AND BECAME CONVINCED THAT SHE HAD KILLED DON.
DON! DON!
WHERE'S DON?
SALLY.
OH, DON! I DIDN'T KILL YOU?
I DIDN'T KILL YOU.
NO, YOU JUST EMASCULATED ME.
I'VE GOT TO SEE SOMETHING.
SALLY!
NO FEATHERS.
OH--OH, MY GOD.
SALLY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN.
OH, DON'T YOU SEE, DON?
YOU'RE ALIVE.
WHICH MEANS IT'S MY BRAIN,
MY SICK, TWISTED BRAIN.
I COULD BE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING,
ANYTHING AT ALL.
THERE'S ONLY ONE HOPE, DON.
I'VE GOT TO GET ON THE PILL.
WELL, THIS ISN'T HOW I EXPECTED THIS TO HAPPEN.
BUT...HEY.
DICK'S ON THE PILL,
AND IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR HIM.
OK, YOU LOST ME AGAIN.
OH, DON, I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN I'M NOT MYSELF ANYMORE.
OK, SO SHE'S CRAZY.
BUT SHE'S GOT LEGS UP TO HER FACE.
I LOVE TV.
ME, TOO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TURN IT ON?
IT'S EVEN BETTER ON.
OH, MAN.
THE HIGH COMMANDER AND THE LIEUTENANT ARE INCAPACITATED.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THE INFORMATION OFFICER TAKES OVER.
AND THAT'S ME.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK, HIGH COMMANDER.
PERMISSION GRANTED.
WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST TAKE THIS MISSION,
ROLL IT UP, AND STICK IT--
INCOMING MESSAGES FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
YOUR REQUEST TO RETURN HOME
FOR EMERGENCY MAINTENANCE HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED.
YES!
THE TIME/SPACE PORTAL WILL OPEN TOMORROW EVENING
BETWEEN 8:51 AND 8:53 P.M. EARTH TIME.
ON YOUR JOURNEY HOME WE WILL BE SHOWING TIN CUP,
STARRING KEVIN COSTNER AND RENEE RUSSO.
WELL, THAT SETTLES IT. WE'RE GOING.
THE BIG GIANT HEAD LOOKS FORWARD
TO READING YOUR COMPREHENSIVE REPORT
ON THE HISTORY OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION.
OH, NO.
TOMMY.
MISS FROST.
YOU MISSED CLASS TODAY.
I--I--YEAH, I DID.
THAT'S SO UNLIKE YOU.
YOU'RE USUALLY THE FIRST TO COME AND THE LAST TO LEAVE.
YEAH.
MISS FROST,
UH, I'M GOING TO BE TRANSFERRING
TO ANOTHER, UH, DISTRICT SOON.
BUT, UM, BEFORE I DO,
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU WANTED
TO TAKE ME UP ON MY OFFER?
YOU MEAN YOUR OFFER
TO LET ME BE THE ONE TO USHER YOU INTO MANHOOD?
THE OFFER STILL STANDS.
THANK YOU, NO.
I'M WEARING HER DOWN.
TOMMY, HOW'S THE REPORT COMING?
OH, I'M JUST PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON IT NOW.
MAN, AM I GOING TO BE GLAD
TO GET THIS THING OFF MY SHOES.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[LION GROWLS]
[GRRR] AAH!
[BELL RINGS]
Dick, Harry, Sally: HELP US, TOMMY!
Sally: TOMMY, HELP US!
Dick and Harry: HELP US, TOMMY!
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING.
Dick: HURRY, HURRY, TOMMY!
HELP US! HELP US!
Sally: OVER HERE! HELP US!
TOMMY!
Harry: HELP US, TOMMY!
JUMP, TOMMY, JUMP!
JUMP! YOU CAN DO IT!
Sally: COME ON, TOMMY! COME ON!
Dick, Harry, Sally: TOMMY! HELP US!
TOMMY! WE'RE RIGHT HERE!
TOMMY! HELP US!
YOU CAN DO IT! COME ON, TOMMY!
[MISS FROST HUMMING BALI HA'I]
Dick: THERE HE IS!
Sally: TOMMY! TOMMY, HELP US!
* BALI HA'I
* MAY CALL YOU
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
* ANY NIGHT...
Sally: TOMMY?
TOMMY! COME ON NOW!
* IN YOUR HEART...
STOP IT!
Harry: COME ON, TOMMY!
* COME AWAY
* BALI HA'I
* WILL WHISPER
* ON THE WIND
* OF THE SEA...
Dick: TOMMY!
TOMMY!
* AM I...
SAVE US NOW!
* YOUR SPECIAL ISLAND? *
* COME TO ME
* BALI HA'I DON'T DO IT, TOMMY!
* BALI HA'I
AAH! AAH!
Tommy: AAH! OH, DICK, SALLY!
IT'S HAPPENING TO ME, TOO!
I'M FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS!
AH, THIS CHAIR FEELS ALL SOFT ON MY BOTTOM.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! THIS IS SERIOUS!
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR SERIOUS THINGS?
ONE OF THOSE.
WHOA, NO, NO, NO.
TOMMY, DON'T DO IT.
LOOK, TOMMY.
LOOK HOW PRETTY THEY ARE.
THEY HAVE A LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE
WHERE YOU CAN BREAK THEM IN HALF.
SO YOU COULD TAKE HALF?
NO, SO YOU CAN TAKE 1 1/2.
NO, TOMMY, YOU GOT TO BE STRONG.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
AS ACTING HIGH COMMANDER,
I ORDER YOU TO TURN OVER THE PILLS.
AW, HE THINKS HE'S HIGH COMMANDER.
THAT'S SO CUTE.
LET'S GIVE HIM A SALUTE, ALL RIGHT?
HURRY, GET RID OF THEM!
NO, NO, NOT THAT WAY!
THROW THEM AWAY!
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR GETTING US OFF THAT PILL.
OH, YOU FEEL BETTER?
OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE.
BUT AT LEAST I FEEL.
YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT TOGETHER FOR A FEW MORE HOURS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHILE WE WERE OUT,
TOMMY GOT AHOLD OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT AT 8:53.
LAST CHANCE FOR ICE CREAM.
WHEN ARE WE COMING BACK?
I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T ASK.
WHO KNOWS?
THE SERVICE DEPARTMENT'S ALWAYS BACKED UP.
YEAH. THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SEND OUT FOR PARTS.
COULD BE A WEEK. COULD BE A YEAR.
COULD BE 200 YEARS.
WHAT ABOUT MARY?
OH, SHE'LL BE DEAD.
[GASPS]
OH, I CAN'T LEAVE HER WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE!
WAIT, DICK, THERE ISN'T TIME.
SURE THERE IS.
NO, LISTEN, I KNOW YOU, DICK.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO THERE, GET ALL OOEY-GOOEY,
AND YOU'LL MISS THE TRANSPORT.
THAT IS SUCH A LIE!
WELL, REMEMBER ONE THING.
HARRY IS THE TRANSMITTER,
AND HE'S COMING WITH US, OK?
SO WITHOUT HIM, YOU'D BE STRANDED HERE FOREVER.
NOW, DON'T WORRY.
I'M GOING TO STEEL MYSELF UP,
MARCH IN THERE, AND JUST DO THE HEADLINES.
LOVE YOU, MISS YOU, GOOD-BYE.
MAYBE A LITTLE SECOND-BASE ACTION.
BUT THAT'S IT!
HELLO, MARY.
I CAME BY TO SAY
I WILL MISS YOU TERRIBLY.
REALLY?
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW?
YES. I CARE ABOUT YOU DEEPLY,
AND I LOVE YOU.
OF COURSE.
DO YOU MIND IF I PACK?
OHH!
WHAT?
NOTHING.
I BIT MY FIST.
IN CONCLUSION,
I'LL ALWAYS CARRY A LOCKET OF YOUR DNA,
AND YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW
THAT THE VISION OF YOUR NAKED BODY
WILL BE WITH ME FOR ALL TIME.
WELL, I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE, DICK.
GOOD-BYE, MARY.
I'M WALKING AWAY NOW.
NO.
NO, THIS IS NOT HOW IT ENDS.
THIS HAS BEEN A LONG AND DIFFICULT JOURNEY,
AND IT WILL NOT END THIS WAY.
THERE WILL BE NO TEPID FAREWELLS FOR US.
I NEED YOU, MARY.
YOUR EYES, YOUR FACE,
YOUR EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY.
ESPECIALLY YOUR CRANNY.
YOU ARE MARYWORLD.
AND I LOVE MARYWORLD.
IT'S THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.
SO COME ON, MARY,
LET'S TAKE A SPIN ON THOSE TEA CUPS.
I DON'T WANT TO GO!
I DON'T WANT TO GO, EITHER!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
UH, UH, UH, NOWHERE.
MAYBE I AM LOSING MY MIND.
BUT WHILE THERE'S A LITTLE LEFT,
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
MARRY ME?
SURE I'LL MARRY YOU. WE'LL BE SO HAPPY!
THIS IS SO GREAT!
I KNOW!
AAH!
MARY!
HE'S LATE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND.
NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND.
NOT ON MY WATCH.
THEN WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
WELL, 20 FEET OF ROPE AND A BLUNT OBJECT.
THERE'S SOME ROPE IN THE BASEMENT. LET'S GET IT.
HARRY, YOU KEEP PACKING.
AND DON'T FALL ASLEEP ON THE JOB.
I'M MISS BOSSY.
I GET TO TELL EVERYBODY WHAT TO DO.
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* I GOT VERY FEW COMPLAINTS SO FAR *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* HOPE YOU'RE AS HAPPY WHEREVER YOU ARE *
* I GOT THE BLUE SKY
* EVERY MORNIN'
* A BIG YELLOW MOON AT NIGHT *
* I ALWAYS DO WHATEVER I WANT TO *
* AND EVERYTHING I DO
* IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT RIGHT *
* HEY, HEY
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* MAN, I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING *
* IN EVERY LIFE
* A LITTLE RAIN MUST SURELY FALL *
* I'M HERE TO SAY
* THAT THERE'S A RAINBOW
* JUST AROUND EVERY CORNER *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* WELL, I ADMIT I'VE HAD A BALL *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* I NEVER WORRY 'BOUT NOTHIN' AT ALL *
* I GOT SOME GOOD FRIENDS *
* THEY ADORE ME
* AND KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME RIGHT *
* I GOT A GOOD GAL
* WAITIN' FOR ME
* I WON EVERY FIGHT I'VE BEEN IN *
* AND IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT THAT I WAS RIGHT *
HA.
* HEY, HEY
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME *
* LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD *
THANKS, MRS. DUBCEK.
I WOULDN'T ASK YOU TO LET ME IN
IF I DIDN'T THINK SALLY REALLY NEEDED HELP.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO DATE A POLICE OFFICER.
MAYBE YOU KNOW HIM.
TEDDY RABINO?
HE'S THE GUY WHOSE WIFE PUT A SLUG IN HIM
FOR FOOLING AROUND.
DEAR GOD.
STAND BACK.
I'M AFRAID HE'S DEAD.
ARE YOU SURE?
OF COURSE I'M SURE. I'M A COP.
HI, DON.
AAH!
DAMN IT.
I GOT TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE A PULSE.
DON.
SALLY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT. HARRY, GET A HAMMER.
TOMMY, GET THE SACK. I'LL GET THE STRING CHEESE.
STRING CHEESE?
I'M STARVING.
I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
TO DICK AND MARY.
MAY YOU BOTH BE AS HAPPY AS I AM.
UH, DICK, COULD I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
OH, SALLY.
UH, SURE.
EXCUSE ME.
UH, DON'T GET MARRIED WITHOUT ME.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU CAME.
I--I WAS GOING TO CALL.
OH, CUT THE CRAP, DICK. LISTEN, YOU'RE A MESS.
YOU'RE COMING WITH US. WE'RE GOING HOME.
THIS IS MY HOME.
WHAT? WHAT?
MARY AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, WILLIS?
I'VE MADE MY DECISION.
I'D RATHER DIE HERE WITH MARY
THAN RISK LOSING HER FOREVER.
WELL, OK, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE THE HIGH COMMANDER,
AND WE RESPECT YOUR DECISION.
GET HIM!
WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL?
OH, UM, HELLO, MARY.
DON'T WORRY.
THE BESACKING OF THE GROOM
IS A TIME-HONORED TRADITION.
WHAT KIND OF TRADITION?
I'M GOING TO GO WITH JEWISH.
OK.
DICK, WE HAVE TO GO. WE HAVE GUESTS.
UH, DICK, ARE YOU SURE,
ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE PARTY?
ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, THIS IS GOOD-BYE, THEN.
IT'S JUST CAKE AND CHAMPAGNE.
HE'LL BE HOME IN A HALF AN HOUR.
OH, YEAH. TRUE.
SO, I'LL SEE YOU IN HALF AN HOUR.
SOUNDS GOOD.
PICK UP SOME MILK ON THE WAY HOME.
I WILL.
I PROMISE.
I'LL BE AT THE MALL IF YOU NEED ME.
DON'T STAY LONG.
IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT,
AND I WORRY.
OUR COUPONS ARE IN YOUR CAR.
THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN YOUR CAR!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
HE'S JUST GETTING MARRIED.
OH, YES.
WELL, WE GOT TO GO.
THE STORE CLOSES AT 8:53.
GOOD-BYE!
WILL THEY BE LIVING WITH US?
I NEVER DREAMED I'D SEE THE DAY
DR. ALBRIGHT SETTLED DOWN.
MARY HASN'T SETTLED DOWN.
SHE'S JUST SETTLED.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STRANGE,
BUT I HAD A DREAM YOU ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU.
YOU HAD A WHAT?
A DREAM.
I WAS DROWNING IN A SWIMMING POOL,
AND MY FATHER WAS THE LIFEGUARD,
AND HE WAS SAVING ME.
AND I LOOKED UP,
AND IT WASN'T HIM, IT WAS YOU.
AND YOU WERE WEARING FLIPPERS AND BLACK SOCKS,
AND YOU OFFERED ME A RING.
MARY, IT'S CONTAGIOUS.
YOU'RE AS CRAZY AS I AM.
OH, I KNOW IT'S CRAZY.
IT WOKE ME UP OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP.
YES, THAT'S WHEN IT STRIKES,
WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP.
WELL, YEAH, DICK.
THAT'S WHEN MOST PEOPLE DREAM.
MOST PEOPLE DREAM?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
NOTHING.
NOTHING'S THE MATTER WITH ME.
AND THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH TOMMY AND SALLY!
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH ANY OF US!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
HOME!
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
HELLO!
SALLY!
HARRY!
TOMMY!
"DEAR DICK,
"OF ALL THE PEOPLE WE'VE WORKED FOR,
"YOU WERE THE BEST.
YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN."
THEY'RE GONE.
I MISSED THEM.
"P.S. WE GOT YOU A WEDDING GIFT.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT."
THE TOASTER.
THE TOASTER FROM THE KITCHEN.
DICK? DICK?
I'M IN HERE.
YOU LEFT THE PARTY SO SUDDENLY.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
OH, MARY.
I CHOSE TO STAY WITH YOU UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.
WHICH AS IT TURNS OUT
IS A HELL OF A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT.
WHAT?
WHICH IS FINE. IT'S JUST FINE.
WHERE'S YOUR FAMILY?
THEY TOOK OFF.
AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
BUT I'M GOING TO FIND THEM.
NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.
NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
I'M GOING TO FIND THEM
AND GET THEM BACK.
THIS I VOW.
WHERE'D THEY GO?
PIZZA.